|The Whangie, Scotland|
It's an identity thing and it's about play and wonder. I read what I wrote before and wondered about it, in swirling darkened mist I know. This game of change, my drift away and towards. With empty hands, the space between two trapeze, mid air, not yet having grasped who I may be uncovering.
Climbers stuff, the stuff I have read over the years always seemed so much about the climbing and not so much about feelings. About mountains and less about people...
Makes me think about something I read recently about when you become tired of your toys; that the natural fun, expression and imagination of play is some how lost as we grow up. That we set aside wonder, let knowledge kill off the end the rainbow and all the gold that happily once rested there.
This trip is a journey to me, like the adults aren't looking and we 're going to explore the neighbours garden, who's scary dog appears to be out.
That a big sticky up thing in Switzerland is a worthy big sticky up thing to clamber to the top of. Yes there will be spikey foot things and clinky metal doo daa's and maybe we may 'shite it' a bit. But at its core I see into this, or think I do, and know that it's a true adventure;
what is it 'Red' talks of at the end of 'Shawshank'
'The excitement a man feels beginning a journey where the outcome is uncertain'
something like that I think.
That we shall cradle wonder, be silenced by it and try not let its cousin fear stain too much if we can help it.
Adventure and wonder;
what made me climb past 'keep out' signs and 'Danger' signs into disused factories , to walk out on canal ice and play with fire as often as possible.
I think that's it - otherwise known as living and making a guess about what may be possible.
Yes it may be true that this journey may be really difficult, that darkness may rip into me again and again. I'm sure though that I don't need REM to point out that everybody hurts and everyone struggles too...this one fact will unite us all I feel; our struggles to get there, our emotions while climbing and the balance of what we can and cannot do as we bring our best to the others.
I talked about depression before and at the beginning I mentioned identity. I don't want the idea of depression to be what I write about but it would be a lie to not mention it either. I want to tell the truth too, that our journey is, for me, about people. It's about judgement too, of what can be done,,and we do love to judge : that ex news readers are mocked on 'strictly', that sexism exists, as too many other isms do too.
We judge ourselves too, tell ourselves we cannae, when maybe we can...
When we were wee we didn't let sense stop our imaginations creating new things; my lego Millenium Falcon was a wonder to see...
I hope we can see possibility, I hope this creates & strengthens bonds and our adventure brings more than we imagine.
I hope I find myself again, that the black dog can be brought to heel and I can sit, filled with wonder, as I once did, and long to feel once more.
That these things bring shape to a new sense of identity, one filled with possibility and one that can find wonder more easily than now...