Raising Awareness Through Competition... Food for Thought.

I've just been getting aerobically fitter and working away on the Eiger project and another equally exciting project about Autism At Height (a documentary) with Jamie Owen, Suzi Rees and John Churcher.

Jamie and I entered a bouldering competition together at the Indy climbing wall this weekend to try and help raise more awareness for the Eiger Paraclimb. Jay won a spot prize and I managed to scrape a win in my catergory:'Better Looking with Age Category'.

Food for thought. Training at Stevie Hastons, Pyrenees

I'm on the bus now heading from Wales over to Birmingham for some sight calling coaching with John then we're both heading down to support the TCA Bristol by entering the competition. They are the first corporate sponsor for the Eiger Paraclimb 2015, so it will be a great pleasure to be part of their event on the 1st of April. My body still hurts from the last comp but hopefully with some decent recovery food, I  won't make an April fool out of myself in Bristol. It's worth it to raise awareness... New boots please umpire!



Handsome Footwear.

The Mist Is Rising…

This last month or so has definitely been a challenge. Training plans for the Eiger and the para-climbing have had to be adjusted and readjusted whilst you know the clock is still ticking. I’ve not experienced such a prolonged period of MS fatigue before.  Each day you’re hoping that normal service will resume and sometimes it feels as though, yes e’re ok, but then suddenly you hit empty and there is no pushing through it.  Thankfully the mist has started to rise and we’re back on track, or at least moving forwards!

A trip to the lakes certainly helped, combing celebrations for a good friend’s birthday and some rather damp bouldering was just what the doctor ordered.  Although my frustration levels of not being able to do a number of the problems was evident – why is it they all seemed to rely on my weak side powering through and could I find a way through, no. 1-0 to the boulder problem! A walk up to the pudding stone, a short if not windy play on the boulder and then a walk back round the head of the valley was a good test to see how the walking faired. 1-0 to Al . Easter and trip to the north of Scotland is planned and hopefully catching up with friends and a wee bit of cragging.  Fingers crossed, the training is back on track.

On a different note during these last few weeks I’ve been thinking about risks and the level in which we are happy to take.  Some folk may think we take unusually high risks as climbers but to me it’s a calculated risk, one we have thought through and willing to take.

I know I stepped back from leading harder routes as I didn’t trust my body.  Would the leg spasm, would I be stuck trying to do a move which relied on my weak side, would my vision go blurry just when you needed to focus  or that  horrible issue that no one wants to talk about– would my bladder behave!  The risk seemed to outweigh my courage, hence stepping back.  Learning that its ok to fail is hard, I’ve never liked to lose or be defeated by something and I still struggle with that today.   These past 2 years I’ve been on a different treatment for the MS which I feel has had a huge difference but brings its own risk.  The longer you’re on it and in my case, post the 2 year mark the risk rises from 1:1000 to 1:100 of developing a progressive brain disease.  Do you continue with the treatment which you feel allows you to do the things you love or do you come off it and hope that MS will not progress?  Is 1:100 a risk too far?

Thinking about the Eiger, the risk doesn’t feel quite as scary at the moment, although as we get closer I’m sure that may change…

#AutismAtHeight... Eiger Points for Jay!

Having fun with me, myself and I on my walk home along the lakeside.

The media attention is beginning to gain momentum with the Eiger Paraclimb, and that's a necessary part of this process to highlight our message about what the human spirit can achieve on a global scale. But for me there is a personal ambition, and it is to make sure young Jay get's the best possible experience with his involvement in the Paraclimb Expedition.

Jay is one of the most courageous human beings I have come to know and his maturity in how he handled things in respect of his involvement with the Eiger Paraclimb has been commendable. I told him there was no guarantee that he will be going on the mountain as I wasn't sure I could handle any more personal pressure and so we left it at that and so he would enjoy being part of the expedition at base camp and enjoy his Switzerland experience.

Jay experiencing free climbing at height... 10 Eiger points!

But from the beginning when I came up with the notion of climbing the Eiger with paraclimbers, Jay and I had the conversation about wither he would or would not be going up the mountain with me. Jay deserves this chance and I told him back then, If I can and it feels right to me at the time, then we will. I expect we will climb it separately (weather permitting) after the main team. Jay is a Paraclimber within the autism category and like the Deaf Climbing community, is not able to compete internationally until the IFSC (International Federation of Sport Climbing) recognize both categories, 

But the great thing about the Eiger is, its just a big, big rock with no policies, no committees, just a big human challenge waiting on a young man with autism and the heart of a lion to get his chance to see the world from a new and international perspective. So I will train Jay on the basis of being successful. Success begets success... 

Love from Wales, UK

Cave painting's

I have wondered about this blog, what to write aboot ?

The truth I guess.... revealing the real journey.

Blethered about depression so far, climbing oot and all that. Scared that mentioning big D gives a voice to the beast, invites the intruder in - so I'm careful, try to remember to give dreaming a voice too.

I think about dreaming too, that Richard Feynman wrote

'I wonder why I wonder, I wonder why I wonder why'

I think of Plato's idea of ignorance being like experiencing life as shadows cast upon the cave wall, a fraction of the greater truth, the way postcards are not the place or roses are not love .

 But magic can entwine words in sonnets or in those heartsongs that stop us in our tracks.

That dreaming is like cave painting, our brightest and best imagined on the canvas of the mind, maybe a fraction of the greater whole but pure in where it comes from. What puts feet upon ladders that climb into mist. With rich colour we imagine, the faintest of etchings, bold slurs against expectation, scared whispers like small but beautiful stitching upon the greater whole.

Not misguided dualism but the earthy, iron rich, full blooded embodied Descartes - that thought is a pulse of living, that dreams should reflect the fire, feel the heat of fire, be fierce on the walls of our chosen caves....

So new dreams force me to stand, stretch sinew, paint over old cave paintings with new brush strokes and hammer blows, see new light from from new fire. That also the cave is too small, its safety may indeed be a prison, my art a seed yes but presages growth beyond the walls. It's hard knowing that your signals are telling you it is time now to move, to act and move out into the light....

Why?

That is another story.

Colin

Training in North Wales on Tryfan

My mate, Andy Scott and I decided on a last minute scramble up the ridge of Tryfan to show me the route for my planned Eiger training with John, Alex & Colin later in the year. Great day with a mix of dry and snow/mixed scrambling. Good practice for the Eiger for me at this early stage.

Andy Scott soloing on dry rock

I am currently working on the basis that as a paraclimbing team, we will take potentially three times longer and whilst sight guiding and trying to manage down potential MS induced fatigue, which is fine. But what came out of my day was that John and I will need to change our sight calling technique for the Eiger. A new system based on the fact that more focus will be on the feet and that we may need to drop the usual 'step' call to the actual size of the step... example ' right 30cm'. Its going to be a lot of calling all day for 3 days. I think I will take throat sweets to avoid losing my voice. 

It was great to be scrambling on an exposed ridge in mixed conditions, a perfect example of what can happen on the Eiger if the weather turns. Moving freely and quickly on this ground will obviously be a lot less mentally strenuous than moving slowly, short roping, sight calling, watching everyone is in a good place in their head with only that day's objective on their mind and not letting the scale of the mountain undermine their confidence. 

Andy Scott soloing on not so dry rock

So, the first steps... Felt like a goat dancing from hold to hold, dry, wet or covered in snow, like I hoped I would. Cant wait to get the guys down here and get stuck into things more...

My Biggest Fear

I first started climbing 5 years ago, it was something that I never considered doing until then. I had a friend who climbed, she said come along and since then I have been hooked. I suppose because of my disability I did not go out and do anything. That all changed when I got married and left home. I found that I wanted to do more, so fast forward to 2010 when it all started. I climbed once a fortnight for 3 years, then I discovered competition climbing and I upped my game.

I got selected for the GB Paraclimbing team, and I am now in my third year of being on the team. Then earlier this year Mark McGowan asked me if I would want to climb the Eiger.  What could I say but yes. To me climbing makes me feel like a normal person, if there's such a thing. When I'm on the rock outside  I feel no different. I know the Eiger is a different kettle of fish but having 3% vision is not my biggest concern, as strange as it is it's having to ask people where is a good place to go to the toilet. I trust Mark 100% with my safety on getting me up the Eiger, and hopefully if I haven't talked his ears off he will let me come down with him. Training is going well but still lots more to do. I hope that by doing this climb it will show people that having a disability/ being blind should not restrict what you can achieve.

Years ago I used to hide the fact that I was losing my sight. I didn't want a white cane so never had mobility training. Eventually I did accept training and was surprised at the difference just having a white cane made. I now have a Guide Dog. No more hiding now. My blindness will not stop me from seeking out adventures.

John

Opening the door and stepping through...

Opening a door which you've previously closed, stepping away from a part of your life you've previously loved and lived for so that it can't be taken away from you again scares me.  There's a feeling of vulnerability, uncertainty but at the same time it's exciting, there's that familiar feeling you know and love, a focus, that burning sensation as a project comes to life.

It may seem strange to folk to make that type of decision back then, to step away, but at the time it was my way of coping with the uncertainty and frustration of MS.  Having to relearn to walk, to be able to be in the mountains, to climb was one of the hardest things to do but at the time something I wasn't willing to let go of.  In my head this was just a blip and everything would be the same, the reality of living with something that you have no control over hadn't sunk in.  Roll on 5 years and she's made her mark and the body won't play ball the way its known, you get tired.  There's a sense of loss, that person you were has gone.

So opening that door again, just a wee bit - getting involved in paraclimbing has had its challenges but hasn’t felt too scary has actually felt relatively safe..  Finding new ways of climbing, letting go off the past - the climber I was, even having your butt kicked at a coaching session when you think you can't do something because of the disability and not that you just think you can't do it - is good.  As I say this all seems relatively safe and controlled compared to our Eiger challenge.

If you asked me back in January how I felt, how the training was going, a positive Al would have responded. The possibility of climbing such an iconic mountain with friends, sharing the experience knowing the impact this would have on us and possibly others was exciting. We had a plan, I was going to focus on core strength and stamina so that the fatigue didn't build or impact too much. But this last month feels as though the whole door has been thrown open and I’m teetering on the edge.  I've been struggling with the MS fatigue for the past three weeks.  Just going up and down stairs feels as though I'm summiting a mountain with uneven lead weights strapped to my arms and legs. I know I love a challenge but from where I’m sitting it seems a monumental task and the clock is ticking…

Alex

The Hard Stuff - Multiple Sclerosis on the Eiger... My Friend.

Multiple Sclerosis

I am getting into looking at the harder stuff now, with all the other stuff in place and the wheels turning, it's now about the reality of bringing this together with care and increasing my depth of my knowledge in my friends condition: Multiple Sclerosis.

Researching the effects of altitude on MS has been a tearful day, because knowing Alex as a friend and coach, has brought me closer to her challenges both for the Eiger, but also her life and the life of others with the same condition. This is what this is about for me, I know this... Loss...

Smiler Taylor :)

Alex's bravery to engage in this project when I know how much she has to suffer in her daily life right now as her coach, when her body begins to fail her and the dark wave of fear of not knowing wither this wave of MS is taking her further away from who she feels she is today breaks my heart. 

But her nick name is 'smiler' and that's who she is to me and all her friends. Her courage to even consider the Eiger with MS is to me, inexplicable. But I know this, as a man who has carried broken friends off mountains in the past, I have never felt so compelled as a human being to really get to know every detail of all this to make sure that Alex is understood,supported and driven hard when we need to drive hard but also cared for with the support she will need to both climb the Eiger and more importantly recover from the experience once down.

When we train together in Wales, she pretends that everything is cool with her fatigue as she leaves our training session and takes the long drive back into England, but I know she probably drops a tear on her lap whilst at the steering wheel wishing her body would help her a little more.

It's Colin & I's job to make sure we fully understand Alex's condition but I promise you smiler, I will not let you down up there.

love

Coach Bastardo

x

"There are potential impacts of high altitude exposure on persons with preexisting neurological conditions who normally reside at low altitude. These conditions include permanent and transient lack of oxygen to (portions of) the brain (e.g., stroke, transient ischemic attack [TIA, or stroke "warning"]), occlusive cerebral artery disease (e.g., atherosclerosis of the cerebral arteries), central venous thrombosis (clotted large veins in the brain), abnormal blood vessels within the skull (e.g., aneurysms), multiple sclerosis, space-occupying lesions within the skull (e.g., benign and malignant tumors), dementia, movement disorders, migraine and other headaches, and epilepsy (seizures)."

From Scotland to Switzerland... Climbing Out.

The Whangie, Scotland

It's an identity thing and it's about play and wonder. I read what I wrote before and wondered about it, in swirling darkened mist I know. This game of change, my drift away and towards. With empty hands, the space between two trapeze, mid air, not yet having grasped who I may be uncovering.

Climbers stuff, the stuff I have read over the years always seemed so  much about the climbing and not so much about feelings. About mountains and less about people...

Makes me think about something I read recently about when you become tired of your toys; that the natural fun, expression and imagination of play is some how lost as we grow up. That we set aside wonder, let knowledge kill off the end the rainbow and all the gold that happily once rested there.

This trip is a journey to me, like the adults aren't looking and we 're going to explore the neighbours garden, who's scary dog appears to be out.

That a big sticky up thing in Switzerland is a worthy big sticky up thing to clamber to the top of. Yes there will be spikey foot things and clinky metal doo daa's and maybe we may 'shite it' a bit. But at its core I see into this, or think I do, and know that it's a true adventure;

 what is it 'Red' talks of at the end of 'Shawshank'

An adventure...

'The excitement a man feels beginning a journey where the outcome is uncertain'

something like that I think.

 That we shall cradle wonder, be silenced by it and try not let its cousin fear stain too much if we can help it.

Adventure and wonder;

what made me climb past 'keep out' signs and 'Danger' signs into disused factories , to walk out on canal ice and play with fire as often as possible.

I think that's it - otherwise known as living and making a guess about what may be possible.

Eiger. Switzerland

Yes it may be true that this journey may be really difficult, that darkness may rip into me again and again. I'm sure though that I don't need REM to point out that everybody hurts and everyone struggles too...this one fact will unite us all I feel; our struggles to get there, our emotions while climbing and the balance of what we can and cannot do as we bring our best to the others.

I talked about depression before and at the beginning I mentioned identity. I don't want the idea of depression to be what I write about but it would be a lie to not mention it either. I want to tell the truth too, that our journey is, for me, about people. It's about judgement too, of what can be done,,and we do love to judge : that ex news readers are mocked on 'strictly', that sexism exists, as too many other isms do too.

We judge ourselves too, tell ourselves we cannae, when maybe we can...

When we were wee we didn't let sense stop our imaginations creating new things; my lego Millenium Falcon was a wonder to see...

I hope we can see possibility, I hope this creates & strengthens bonds and our adventure brings more than we imagine.

 I hope I find myself again, that the black dog can be brought to heel and I can sit, filled with wonder, as I once did, and long to feel once more.

That these things bring shape to a new sense of identity, one filled with possibility and one that can find wonder more easily than now...

Colin

Climbing Out...

I remember when Mark asked me to be involved in this, didn't really know what it would entail but I said yes. He had asked me to do the north face with him and I had said no, something I regretted doing. So I said yes. I did this from a tough place, having only recently gone through a period of therapy, therapy that was trying unpick why I felt so shit so often. A thing I seem to have had for so long, I look back at the times when I felt ok and they are the exception, with long dark periods being more normal. Depression - such a misunderstood thing, I don't get it, don't know why or what is going on. I just know it kills off hope, confidence and meaning.

Climb out of it, now there is a seductive idea, you can see a winning montage as shown by some vivid character doing a Ted talk.

For me it has been fighting back tears as I put on running shoes and leaving the house. Been running a couple of times now, 3 mile runs in the dark and cold. Early days but the hardest.

My legs aren't depressed I thought, they'll do their job if I make them. So far so good. Know more struggle comes, but the thought of how I may feel on this summit, sharing a moment with others may let hope begin now, to be in something that will change lives feels so scary but more worthwhile than anything I have done in years. What scares me? Not the mountain but getting there in the shape I want be in. Handling my mind and heart as I push harder for fitness will be hard, life already was feeling hard, very...

Colin

Eiger Filming Preparations...

When I first worked with Mark, making the "Reach Climbing Coach" film back in 2014, he struck me as one of the most genuine and down-to-earth people I'd ever met. No facade, just straight talk and honesty. His interview was one of the most raw and heart-felt I'd ever conducted. I knew right then that his (at the time) new found passion for Paraclimbing coaching was going to yield all sorts of rewards for him.

Little did I know that less than a year later he would be requesting my assistance to document his new project, Eiger Paraclimb 2015. This opportunity was the biggest compliment Mark could ever have paid me, not only did he think I was up to task, but he also respected my work enough to trust me with the project. Flattered doesn't quite cover it!

I can't wait to get my teeth in to this project. Sitting here in my office in Glasgow, a few hundred miles away from Llanberis where Mark is planning the expedition, I can't help but feel a pang of guilt that, so far, I've not been majorly involved in the planning process. I know, however, that as soon as funding is secured, kit is acquired and flights are booked, all systems will be go to capture every moment of the journey. From training days in the hills of Scotland and Wales; to packing bags and checking in luggage; from setting up camp in the shadow of the mountain; to those crucial summit shots; I'm going to be in front of the group viewing all the action through the lens, mentally editing the shots in to the masterpiece I hope to create as soon as we return from Switzerland.

Eiger Paraclimb 2015 is going to be my biggest and toughest project to date. But also my best.

Euan 

Finalcrux Films