Monday, 2 March 2015
I remember when Mark asked me to be involved in this, didn't really know what it would entail but I said yes. He had asked me to do the north face with him and I had said no, something I regretted doing. So I said yes. I did this from a tough place, having only recently gone through a period of therapy, therapy that was trying unpick why I felt so shit so often. A thing I seem to have had for so long, I look back at the times when I felt ok and they are the exception, with long dark periods being more normal. Depression - such a misunderstood thing, I don't get it, don't know why or what is going on. I just know it kills off hope, confidence and meaning.
Climb out of it, now there is a seductive idea, you can see a winning montage as shown by some vivid character doing a Ted talk.
For me it has been fighting back tears as I put on running shoes and leaving the house. Been running a couple of times now, 3 mile runs in the dark and cold. Early days but the hardest.
My legs aren't depressed I thought, they'll do their job if I make them. So far so good. Know more struggle comes, but the thought of how I may feel on this summit, sharing a moment with others may let hope begin now, to be in something that will change lives feels so scary but more worthwhile than anything I have done in years. What scares me? Not the mountain but getting there in the shape I want be in. Handling my mind and heart as I push harder for fitness will be hard, life already was feeling hard, very...