Eiger Paraclimb 2015: July 2015

Wednesday 29 July 2015

Thursday 16 July 2015

When preparing for anything personaly challenging I suppose you need to take that step back from the busyness of what your caught up in to allow yourself mental quiet to reinvest the Core reason for engaging in such a thing.

For me, I'm switching off from the world to find that place that can remove all the external distractions that will only interfere with the required mentality to Paraclimb the Eiger.

My experience of people when they're scared, is that they project that fear onto you in extreme situations as anger or constructed reasons for you to do what they want. It's just survival.

I'm looking for a place in my head that manages my own fears down without them resonating the two feet through my voice and body language to the attached John whilst leaving enough mental space to communicate effectively in a language that Jay understands and keep a watchful eye on Alex's 'cognitive fog' when the fatigue kicks in. All this with my climbing friend Colin's invaluable support. It was never going to be easy, but we are here now, as ready as we can be.

Learning to control your mind in extremis requires for me, a process of being as obsessively prepared as possible, then letting go of the small stuff and committing fully with a true belief.

It all feels a little surreal at the moment, like the drawing, but I know none of it is real until we are there on the mountain, on the Eiger.

Vamos!

Battle Grounds

Well we're nearly there. In a way I 've already left, won't see anyone now before I go, apart from in work ; working in job 2 while on holiday from job 1. Wish I didn't have to but I do. I've called this blog 'battle grounds' because much of what I have experienced has felt very much like a battle.

Talking with strangers at odd times, down strange corridors, pensive in silent lifts, walking back out into the world, shaking. Determined, committed but very very alone.

Although I have mentioned depression so far and have expressed this experience as being an attempt to 'Climb Out' it is turning out to be far more revealing than I imagined ( a good thing) more emotional and far harder than I could have thought.

The psychologist I saw in December only scratched the surface, but this opened deep wounds that weakened me. Better this than false strength I thought. I was committed, sold cherished drums to pay for it. But money ran out as life got complicated and expensive. A dreadful goodbye and absent voices drained me almost fully. It's a hard place to start from but as Arthur Ash said

'Begin where you are
Do what you can
Try your best '

So I did. Navigated buying my Cottage fully; a process that snatched away almost all my energy and money. More extra shifts needed, less rest, less energy, less time...

Making time count took over, miles & miles of cycling - hundreds in the end..

Subtle changes felt but lensed through the shadow of self doubt - I just felt tired all the time. So at no point ever felt fit or detected progress; tiredness bringing vulnerability, vulnerability bringing darkness at its heels.

This pain being felt like a nausea, not triggered by thought or a downing tools on effort and positivity. It just fucking happens and it 's powerful. I'm not a negative person and I don't generally feel like a victim in need of rescue, although at the worst times you know what is needed but what simply isn't there - to be held, loved and reassured. You know the big fix or changes are down to you; it's your shit after-all. But you feel you have to minimise it, hide it, put on an act, pretend all is well, protect the world from toxic truths, or at least that's how it feels. Sometimes they leak out, spoil things, snatch away magic, leave a stain that feels indelible; the best of you unseen as it is the hidden fight you try to keep from affecting others. The fight leaking poison into cherished life, wrapping tight coils around your heart, screaming doubts at cardinal instincts, earthquakes shaking bedrock.

But as with Sisyphus and Prometheus there is no stop, the weight you push against, the familiar wounds of sharp moments, the eagles claw.

So this new challenge fuelled the engine of hurts already there, brought new thinking, brought sharp edges and burrs to bare foot walking, the nakedness of the new, armour as yet unmoulded, no map to follow or offer warning of hazards ahead.

All the while deeply deeply tired

But excitement and purpose brings energy from within, echoes and resonance; there is depth within.

So now I feel ready. Want to leave and do.

'Throw out your gold teeth and see how they roll
The answer they reveal
Life is unreal '

With the words of Steely Dan I find the same, yes it feels now a dream, but one I want and will make real, with passion

'Is reason alone babtized, are the passions pagan?'

With Kierkegaard I join, I wish leave behind the labour and structure of getting ready and do - with passion of every fibre of me.

This journey has been hard but I needed something to brace against, or, more accurately, something new to brace against. I woke sentinels within, remembered inner forces I had set down. Now brought to life I just want to do.

There have been battlegrounds but I survived them all. Strong for this and the battles beyond.

Colin

Tuesday 14 July 2015

New Sponsors....

A huge thanks to Terra Nova for equipment sponsorship...

See them at http://www.terra-nova.co.uk/

Tuesday 7 July 2015

The Stomp Fundraser from Colin

Eiger Paraclimb 2015 - The Stomp from Finalcrux Films on Vimeo.

Friday 3 July 2015

Final pieces of the jigsaw...

Jamie Owen (Autistic Praclimber) Training in Glen Coe

We are in the final stages of preparing equipment and final travel arrangements for all five of the team.

We still need some key pieces of equipment to make this safe enough for me to attempt this and if you are a company who is still considering sponsoring our project then please act now as we need your help now.