Sat on the train heading out of Snowdonia possibly for the last time till after the Eiger felt weird. It feels like my Eiger has now began as I start sight guiding for John across Europe tomorrow in the Paraclimbing competitions with just short periods in UK sharing precious time with the woman I have fallen so profoundly in love with, before I land at the base of that big lump of rock and ice again ... The Eiger.
The management of this Paraclimbing project has come together well as we now speed towards the start date. The fitness levels are good and morale is growing even under the intensifying media attention, so its coming time to finally engage in what I love most about all this.
I'm not sure yet why all this truly started, but I feel its going to be alright up there...
Colin will climb out, Alex will climb through her MS, Jay will smile regardless and John will succeed in the first of his greatest adventures.
Me? I've already found what I truly wanted, more than you'll ever know...
A year ago seems further than I can imagine. So much has changed. Now I am in a new universe, new stars above, new tides pulling. I am adrift. I really am. bedrock, storms crashing upon. Water, relentless, finding every flaw and hidden secret. My wee island, my flying, my albatross turning into blinding sun. That I can turn and find a safe place to fall to, I cannot. Safe harbour, a flicker beyond my sight.
The person I have been
I have no idea
This boat sails far from any shore
I wish I could say I am climbing out
It would appear my journey goes elsewhere first.
But I travel still.
To the Eiger.
I will switch on forces.
Forget myself, fill myself with love, let steady force flow, give with my body, give with my heart.
For me, the trip to Glen Coe with the team, held a lot of significance, facing some ghosts from the avalanche, just a private tear for my friend as I walked with John attached behind me up towards the water slab where my friend died under the snow all those years ago.
I thought I would feel really scared climbing up the route that I was avalanched over as it was a profound experience to be thrown down a mountain like that over such steep ground, lose a friend, live, then learn to live with it. But with the intense objective of having John by my side, moving as one, made the return to this magical place a positive experience.
Seeing Jay, Alex and Colin forming a cohesive working climbing team up there was just so fantastic and I knew then that Colin was the right choice to help me with this Eiger Paraclimb. His journey is as big as the others as he fights his way towards accepting that change has to be a part of his journey away from chronic depression towards allowing himself the gift of letting happiness have an unequal share of his everyday experiences and thinking. The Eiger is just metaphorical for the team. each member finding their own meaning from the journey.
For me, it's not about the project in Switzerland, it's about trusting in something that I don't need to prepare to lose before I have it. It seems I have forgotten how to be something to someone. Re-learning to build my life with a new belief in someone that just seems so right. "What the ACTUAL fuck..."
Colin short roping Jay, with Alex behind on Curved Ridge
John and I moved faster and with more confidence than we ever have. We are learning to trust each other more and more, understanding the rules of what we are doing are being written by us and not in some manual for us to refer to. It's just a very human experience sight guiding and moving together on an exposed route like Curved Ridge. It's bigger than you could ever imagine. Watching the faces of others as we climb past them or them us, is just amazing and feels like fucking poetry...
It seems I am having the time of my life again.
Mark.
Courage: John feeling for holds at 2000ft above sea level!
The whole team on the summit of Buachaillie Etive Mor, Glencoe
Jay having the time of his life in a mountain environment...
If I thought of escape where to fly to...
Into the sky?
The scouring wind tearing clouds from mountains, taking dignity from flowers and trees.
Into the night?
Shadows gather in armies, pull my legs away, the fall bruising weary times.
If I was to stand and resist, fly my flag and cry out rage, but if asked
'what do you fight for?' Could I answer? know the fuel from where my
defiance flows?
such a whisper though
silenced too often
Defiance; keeping going when even you stop believing, when there seems
no point; that you know still there is a shred of you that never was
defeated
And never will be
I will climb out
My footsteps are on the path to this. I hope from the Eiger I can see my way
