There is the strangest thing going on, this climbing out thing, stirring deep waters, feeling the tug of forces both familiar and new, wrapping like fog around me, like forgotten melodies overheard from another room, distorted by time but known, as old worn gloves know the shape of you.
I know my story is small; every charity or marathon runner having their own journey, their own battle. Indeed everyone does in their own way, in work, and in the wider enterprise of living.
This challenge feels big though, you see it's about following hope and allowing hope; actually believing something can be done.
a twist that I hadn't thought about is that to embrace hope, to push myself is forcing me to confront issues that hurt; an existential weave that cuts deeply, wraps up the deepest parts of me. Seeing light shows how dark things have been, that in these shadows lay monsters. It is hard to see the way you killed off hope as an act of self protection, but also why that protection was needed; that there was nothing else available.
I sought solace within this dichotomy
' a normal response to abnormal experience or abnormal response to normal experience'
Who knows?
It wasn't good or healthy or happy
And now the Eiger cuts through all of this - the training challenging my ability to cope. Tired all the time from two jobs and cycling miles most days, got to step it up too. Be tireder, not think, convince myself that pain is progress and shut down my heart - bleeding for a million reasons.
You see a thing happens, I call it the 'crush'. My mood just crashes through the floor, like feeling sick suddenly. It crushes energy, hope, meaning and esteem.
I feel utterly worthless and it happens all the time, unseen and hidden. I tell no one. I pick myself up and keep going; the everyday acts of living becoming victories, as all you want to do is lie down and vanish.
To then put yourself forward for new and bigger challenges is hard because this still happens and it is so so hard. It is so lonely.
It is here I remind myself of a former me that soloed ice so comfortably, had moments of grace on rock from time to time. Try to fight against forces that were insidious and took more of me than I ever realised; killing off hoping and dreaming
The beast was stronger than I realised
It makes hope hurt. Makes the light of hope hurt you. Means that the idea of love and care scares you - for fear it will be false or you will lose it. So you forget love, or try to, because it hurts too much.
But
In safety there is no hope or hoping is there?
But I must hope, otherwise there is no life, just existence, just shadows in the cave...
So
I'm pushing.
Getting up after the crush.
Wiping away hidden tears, if they come
Trying to live.
Trying not to be blinded by the light.
I'm getting stronger...
I'm getting fitter...
I am hoping for more than this one summit and allowing the light of hope in. It's hard though, because it hurts, in cascades of feeling that drench sadness upon me, fatigue making me even more vulnerable.
But a strange wee force has started to chime within and I am listening - maybe I am worth something...
It's a truth that you try to ignore - how deeply worthless you can feel
This climb, this idea is all about pushing boundaries. Mark, my greatest friend, knows about all of this; Our, sometimes wine fuelled, conversations being a rare place where honesty can be...he knows all this dark stuff. The fact that he asked me is everything; maybe remembering or seeing me with better clarity than I see myself.
So I have been pushing myself and I feel exhausted. I will keep pushing, inside it I feel a hope I don't want to let go of; I know the taste of empty...
Colin.
No comments:
Post a Comment