Thursday, 16 July 2015
Well we're nearly there. In a way I 've already left, won't see anyone now before I go, apart from in work ; working in job 2 while on holiday from job 1. Wish I didn't have to but I do. I've called this blog 'battle grounds' because much of what I have experienced has felt very much like a battle.
Talking with strangers at odd times, down strange corridors, pensive in silent lifts, walking back out into the world, shaking. Determined, committed but very very alone.
Although I have mentioned depression so far and have expressed this experience as being an attempt to 'Climb Out' it is turning out to be far more revealing than I imagined ( a good thing) more emotional and far harder than I could have thought.
The psychologist I saw in December only scratched the surface, but this opened deep wounds that weakened me. Better this than false strength I thought. I was committed, sold cherished drums to pay for it. But money ran out as life got complicated and expensive. A dreadful goodbye and absent voices drained me almost fully. It's a hard place to start from but as Arthur Ash said
'Begin where you are
Do what you can
Try your best '
So I did. Navigated buying my Cottage fully; a process that snatched away almost all my energy and money. More extra shifts needed, less rest, less energy, less time...
Making time count took over, miles & miles of cycling - hundreds in the end..
Subtle changes felt but lensed through the shadow of self doubt - I just felt tired all the time. So at no point ever felt fit or detected progress; tiredness bringing vulnerability, vulnerability bringing darkness at its heels.
This pain being felt like a nausea, not triggered by thought or a downing tools on effort and positivity. It just fucking happens and it 's powerful. I'm not a negative person and I don't generally feel like a victim in need of rescue, although at the worst times you know what is needed but what simply isn't there - to be held, loved and reassured. You know the big fix or changes are down to you; it's your shit after-all. But you feel you have to minimise it, hide it, put on an act, pretend all is well, protect the world from toxic truths, or at least that's how it feels. Sometimes they leak out, spoil things, snatch away magic, leave a stain that feels indelible; the best of you unseen as it is the hidden fight you try to keep from affecting others. The fight leaking poison into cherished life, wrapping tight coils around your heart, screaming doubts at cardinal instincts, earthquakes shaking bedrock.
But as with Sisyphus and Prometheus there is no stop, the weight you push against, the familiar wounds of sharp moments, the eagles claw.
So this new challenge fuelled the engine of hurts already there, brought new thinking, brought sharp edges and burrs to bare foot walking, the nakedness of the new, armour as yet unmoulded, no map to follow or offer warning of hazards ahead.
All the while deeply deeply tired
But excitement and purpose brings energy from within, echoes and resonance; there is depth within.
So now I feel ready. Want to leave and do.
'Throw out your gold teeth and see how they roll
The answer they reveal
Life is unreal '
With the words of Steely Dan I find the same, yes it feels now a dream, but one I want and will make real, with passion
'Is reason alone babtized, are the passions pagan?'
With Kierkegaard I join, I wish leave behind the labour and structure of getting ready and do - with passion of every fibre of me.
This journey has been hard but I needed something to brace against, or, more accurately, something new to brace against. I woke sentinels within, remembered inner forces I had set down. Now brought to life I just want to do.
There have been battlegrounds but I survived them all. Strong for this and the battles beyond.